Elgato's Jokes

[Latrodectus]

[elgatonegro]

Emoting Jollibee!





MCDO in disguise!

[Latrodectus]

[elgatonegro]

John decided to go road tripping with his buddy, Peter. So they loaded up their bikes and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible thunder storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of riding.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on their road trip weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Peter and asked, "Peter, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our road trip holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Peter

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Peter said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Peter's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

[Latrodectus]

hilarious

[elgatonegro]

In one of Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, a survey was conducted among her audience. Since the subject was about ghosts she started asking her audience these survey questions:

Oprah: How many of you have seen a ghost? Please stand up!

Amazingly, about 20 people stood up.

Oprah: Wow , isn't that really phenomenal? And now for the next question- For you guys standing up - how many of you have actually spoke to a ghost?

About five stayed standing up.

Oprah: (At this point, really getting tremendously excited!) Wow, imagine that? These people actually spoke to a ghost. And now for the last question, how many of you five guys have actually made love to a ghost?

Four guys sat down except one, at the last row of seats. The crowd exploded.

Oprah: May we call the gentleman to come to the stage please!

At this the cameras focused on an aging old man and guess what, a Filipino guy.

Oprah: Wow, that was unbelievable: Sir may we know who you are?

Top Gun: My name is Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun for short.

Oprah: What do you do and where are you from?

Top: I am a retired Navy man , am living in upstate New York and am a farmer by trade.

Oprah: Interesting! So, you really made love to a ghost?

Top: (somewhat irked) What ghost? I thought you said GOAT!

[Latrodectus]

:chuc kle:

[onkyo]

[coddger]

[elgatonegro]

try to determine if the picture is a female or shemale?!


joeschwartz.net


I've got 10/16.


post your answer bros/sis.

[Bisquitlips]

Keep em' coming!

[elgatonegro]

Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by. He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet and bows his head. The funeral procession passes by, and the biker puts on his helmet, gets on the bike, and starts it up.

The other biker comes over and says' "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first biker responds, "Well I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[limbo]

[elgatonegro]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. After some time, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers’ deception, he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was even started to build a new assembly. Time came when one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor carried out the rites. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family. But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

[coddger]

[elgatonegro]

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy".

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son To take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, He asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son To "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[figbo]

Good one!

[limbo]

[elgatonegro]

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

[JJ Irani]

[xtra3cats]

[Latrodectus]

[elgatonegro]

Need a Viagra? See this video.

[elgatonegro]

One day, in line at the Australian Embassy cafeteria in Manila, Dave says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery", Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Mercury Drug. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs P200....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Frequent Flier Miles".

So Dave collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Mercury. He deposits the P200 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Dave began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Dave hurried back to Mercury Drug, eager to check what would happen.

He again deposits P200, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin .

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a shabu habit.. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

[coddger]

[JJ Irani]

[limbo]

[elgatonegro]

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 387 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 22 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection......................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris............... 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 192 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary............................... 112 Calories
69 lying down........................... 178 Calories
69 standing up......................... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 386 Calories
Doggy Style............................. 400 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 972 Calories

ORGASM

Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake................................... 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging..................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................. 80 Calories
40-49 years............................. 124 Calories
50-59 years............................. 972 Calories
60-69 years............................. 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:

Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

[Brushpup]

Holy hell keep em coming

[elgatonegro]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them play as well as they would like, so they decide to take private lessons with a pro. The husband has his lesson first. The pro sees the husband’s swing and says, “No, no, no! You are gripping the club way too hard!” “What should I do?” asks the husband. “Hold the club gently,” replies the pro, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” The husband takes the advice, takes a swing, and—pow!—he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, “No, no, no! you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What should I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife follows the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and—thump!—the ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet. “That was great,” says the pro, “nice and gentle. Now try taking the club out of your mouth.”