A Letter To My ISP.

[padi56]

This is a copy of my letter sent to my then ISP.

Dear NTL Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th March 2005, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW with no bloody connection ?

I alleviated the boredom, by playing with my testicles, for a few minutes
an activity at which you are no-doubt, both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bits, and his cerebrum, ---- brain to you tossers. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your INTERNET server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled boll#ck jugglers too.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not, a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
That I will be transferred to someone, (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone, and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh#t, that they had attained the holy p#ss-pot of god-awfulness
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say, that I have now given up, on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me, for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
neighbours cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings to wards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tossers.

One very very dissatisfied customer.
PS.A copy of this letter has been sent to Managing director NTL minus the little brown package.

Mr P.

I sent this letter to them after 3 snail mail letters and about 10 emails
with not even a reply.

Two days after I sent this letter I got my Mac code and apology for the
poor service,service what fecking service,I am now with UK.online
with know problems at all.

[dman]

LMAO! I hope somebody got their ass handed to them, but I doubt it.

[Rockrolex]

You really shouldn't hold back, Padi. It's bad for your mental health. You should tell them how you really feel. ROTFLMFAO!!

[padi56]

Its very funny, in there reply,they did not mention anything about,my little gift wrapped parcel.

[Gunther]

Ahh, the language of the old country simply flows like delicately separated cream from the lips/keyboard of such a talented wordsmith. Padi, my friend, you are the king! It wasn't just angry or insulting, those they would have ignored. No, no, it was masterful with humor keeping the read going while deftly jabbing insults and derision in great heaps!

I bow before a true master! BTW I hope your new service is up to snuff! For their sake!

Gun

[padi56]

My new ISP uptill now is great,customer service not so good,perhaps I might send them a letter.

[Rockrolex]

Originally Posted by padi56

My new ISP uptill now is great,customer service not so good,perhaps I might send them a letter.

Do copy us on any missives you send to your current provider.

It is a real pleasure to witness a master wordsmith at work. We can all learn at the feet of the master.

[dfn8tly]

Aaah, Padi --- you smooth, silver-tongued devil.

Richard

[padi56]

Originally Posted by dfn8tly

Aaah, Padi --- you smooth, silver-tongued devil.

Richard

Well Richard it got the right results in the end,but for 2 weeks NTL nearly
drove me crazy.