The Questions We Don’t Ask Our Families but Should

[KathleenL]

The title of this thread (The Questions We Don’t Ask Our Families but Should) is the title of an article I read last night through Apple News. It's an article in The Atlantic. If you have an Apple device, you can see it via this link. The subtitle to the article is Many people don’t know very much about their older relatives. But if we don’t ask, we risk never knowing our own history. In light of the recent threads here about family members and friends dying (some way too young), I thought this was really well written and thought provoking. Sadly, all of my grandparents, my parents, and all of my aunts and uncles died so long ago that there's no one that I can talk to to ask the suggested questions. My father was career Army and we lived all over the world - never near relatives except for two years when we lived near my mother's sister and brother-in-law (my aunt & uncle), and I was too young then (6th and 7th grades) to be interested in asking about family history.

But I thought with the upcoming holidays and family gatherings, it's a great time to learn this information.

[MrGoat]

Thanks for the reminder Kat.

When my mom passed I realized I knew very little about my family. That started a pretty intense genealogical journey and many late nights. I know more than I did but there is still so much more to learn. Now my goal is to get a correct family tree for all of the future generations of my family.


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[AzPaul]

My father passed very early in life so there never was a chance to ask him about his family history. And unfortunately, at this point in time, there's no one left to ask.

[brandrea]

A good reminder Kat.

Luckily I knew my grandparents and we have a very close family. We still get together as an extended family for Christmas and at least once in the summer. Cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

We have a recorded family history that dates back to the 1600’s in Switzerland, but I don’t know much more beyond that.

[Widows Son]

Mom's side of the family is pretty well documented. Direct decendants of John Alden from the Mayflower. Have all the family tree info but never felt the inclination to make it official by applying for membership in the Mayflower Society. A little less known about Dad's side.

[Atone]

This is great. I was always very interested in family history and would ask exhaustively about my grandparents’ lives and I’m so glad I did. I do have a few questions I inadvertently omitted and I regret not asking as no one else would have the answers. Great topic

[JParm]

My family is very close, as most Filipino families are. What we're not so good at, however, is keeping up with family history.

This is a great reminder for me to do better about that - and to document it for future generations.

[Dan Pierce]

During my dad's retirement he traced much of our family history back to my 7th Great Grandfather, an associate of William Penn, who came to The New World back in 1684 via Bristol, England. They were from The Society of Friends, later called Quakers, looking to flee religious persecution. The family built Peirce's Park [the spelling of the family name has changed many times over the centuries], the worlds largest arboretum at the time. It was eventually purchased by Pierre DuPont and the name was changed to Longwood Gardens, which is operation today and the Peirce house built in 1788 is still standing and available for lodging [which we plan to do].

One of my ancestors was a German Hession soldier, forced to fight w/ The English against The Colonies, and was captured on Christmas Day 1776 by George Washington when he crossed the Delaware.

A couple of my female ancestors were 2 of the 58 wives of Brigham Young. Another was murdered on his farm in Knoxville because he was a fervent abolitionist and many of my family helped slaves escape.

I could go on but needless to say we are thrilled to have this family info and it will be important info for future generations.

Sadly, we didn't take advantage of interviewing our older living relatives when we had the opportunity to gleam as much info while we could. We now look back with so many unanswered questions.
dP

[JasoninDenver]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

During my dad's retirement he traced much of our family history back to my 7th Great Grandfather, an associate of William Penn, who came to The New World back in 1684 via Bristol, England. They were from The Society of Friends, later called Quakers, looking to flee religious persecution. The family built Peirce's Park [the spelling of the family name has changed many times over the centuries], the worlds largest arboretum at the time. It was eventually purchased by Pierre DuPont and the name was changed to Longwood Gardens, which is operation today and the Peirce house built in 1788 is still standing and available for lodging [which we plan to do].

One of my ancestors was a German Hession soldier, forced to fight w/ The English against The Colonies, and was captured on Christmas Day 1776 by George Washington when he crossed the Delaware.

A couple of my female ancestors were 2 of the 58 wives of Brigham Young. Another was murdered on his farm in Knoxville because he was a fervent abolitionist and many of my family helped slaves escape.

I could go on but needless to say we are thrilled to have this family info and it will be important info for future generations.

Sadly, we didn't take advantage of interviewing our older living relatives when we had the opportunity to gleam as much info while we could. We now look back with so many unanswered questions.
dP

Wow! Great histories there.

Our families are mostly poor immigrants from Scotland and Mexico. I think my brother was able to find a great grandfather in KY but the trail went cold there.

[JTL31]

My maternal grandmother died at 91 when I was in my early 20’s. I don’t recall her exact birth year but it was close to 1900. I wish I would’ve asked questions about her living through various worldwide historical events as she would’ve had much to share.

[White Collar Boy]

Thanks for that Kathleen. That is actually helpful for me.

[AF_Rob]

Thanks for the discussion, Kat!

I was blessed to know both of my great grandmothers into my 20's and was able to learn a lot about my family, which came to the US in the late 1600s and settled in Pennsylvania.

Maybe Dan and I are related, LOL!

[Dan Pierce]

Yes, thanks to Kat for starting this thread.

Originally Posted by JasoninDenver

Wow! Great histories there.

Our families are mostly poor immigrants from Scotland and Mexico. I think my brother was able to find a great grandfather in KY but the trail went cold there.

Thanks, Jason!

Originally Posted by AF_Rob

Thanks for the discussion, Kat!

I was blessed to know both of my great grandmothers into my 20's and was able to learn a lot about my family, which came to the US in the late 1600s and settled in Pennsylvania.

Maybe Dan and I are related, LOL!

Hey, cousin Rob.
dP

[scarlet knight]

My grandfather was an officer in the Romanian army. He got on a train to Paris and never went back. He went to the USA, my grandmother immigrated soon thereafter. In my grandmother’s last year we asked her if she ever wanted to go back and visit her hometown, she said “Are you kidding, they wanted to kill us there.”

My other grandmother grew up in Odesa, now Ukraine. She told us that they used to hide in the basement from attacking Cosacks. She also emigrated to the US. Never went back.

Some of our other relatives who stayed in Europe died in the Holocaust.

[77T]

The Atlantic article was a media placement for last Tuesday’s release of that author’s book. Not questioning the motive, it helps booksellers and that’s a good goal - the owner of the 165 y.o. Magazine is Emerson Collective (founded by Laurene Jobs - Steve’s widow). So I respect the goal of the story and hope it helps many as we gather here in the US for Thanksgiving.

Solely in the spirit of empathetic communication for our younger set - please approach this topic gently among your family’s forebears. The author even touches upon that:

“You may be surprised by how much your parents and grandparents haven’t told you, perhaps because they thought you wouldn’t be interested, or they weren’t sure how you’d judge them.”

Consider the third unmentioned “perhaps”. It may unearth some disquieting memories and broken souls that aren’t ordinarily revealed within the family.

Again, just a thought…

I was fortunate while growing up. I come from a loquacious strain and the stories and oral histories stretch back to the mid-1800’s.

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving here in US - and fair warning to our international friends…any posts you see late on this coming Thursday are likely to be doubly affected by egg nog & tryptophan.


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[Speedbird-1]

Does it really matter if we don't know this stuff, or is it just, interesting 'dinner party' flexing material.

I'm asking as someone who has recently discovered that he's 128th in line for the English throne, related directly to the Duke of Normandy (William the Conquerer) and Rollo, the Viking Count of Rouen.

My wife is repeatedly refusing to courtsey in the mornings.
I'm considering having her flogged.

Honi soit qui mal y pense, what!

[MrGoat]

Originally Posted by Speedbird-1

Does it really matter if we don't know this stuff, or is it just, interesting 'dinner party' flexing material.

I'm asking as someone who has recently discovered that he's 128th in line for the English throne, related directly to the Duke of Normandy (William the Conquerer) and Rollo, the Viking Count of Rouen.

My wife is repeatedly refusing to courtsey in the mornings.
I'm considering having her flogged.

Honi soit qui mal y pense, what!

I think it matters especially when you’re young. Knowing the history, struggles and accomplishments your lineage persevered through, would almost certainly help promote growth in a young person.

The older we get it may be more ‘dinner party flexing material’ but there is still that innate sense in knowing that I think would change even the elderly.

Thoughts such as….

What would my great grandfather have done in this situation?

It also helps create a connection to the places your family hailed from. These places can be in or out of your own country, yet who wouldn’t get a little sentimental walking down the same steps their ancestor walked down?

I believe the more we learn about our families histories, the more we learn about ourselves and society in general. Learning is never worthless imo.

Knowing the struggles, valor, love, humanity and lineage of your family is a blessing not many get.

I bet if everyone in the world had a DNA test (don’t do ancestry as they retain your dna as their property) done they’d be a lot more tolerant of those that are different than them. That would be a major win.


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[Brenngun]

When my father was alive he wouldn't talk much about his childhoood. He was one of 9 children of eastern European immigrant parents. All except one of his siblings have passed and the one still alive is no longer coherent. About a year or so ago one of my cousins started researching their lineage and developed a family tree along with piles of supporting official documentation. After asking if I wanted to see it all she sent it to me.

I now have a better understanding of my father and his siblings. It filled in a few missing pieces of my understanding however it hasn't been a pleasant process. My only word of advice for those who want to do this kind of family history research is to be careful. There may be things best left unknown.

[AzPaul]

Originally Posted by Speedbird-1

My wife is repeatedly refusing to courtsey in the mornings.
I'm considering having her flogged.

Honi soit qui mal y pense, what!

Flogging seems a bit much, but I'd imagine a week or so in the tower will bring her around.

[AF_Rob]

Originally Posted by MrGoat

It also helps create a connection to the places your family hailed from. These places can be in or out of your own country, yet who wouldn’t get a little sentimental walking down the same steps their ancestor walked down?

Knowing the struggles, valor, love, humanity and lineage of your family is a blessing not many get.

I agree that it's very important to know the story of one's ancestors. It gives perspective. I'm lucky that genealogists have already done the hard work for me.

I've stood at the gravesite of my 7th great-grandparents who came to what would be the U.S. and knowing the unique struggles of each generation that got me in front of this computer screen is a blessing to know.

I can see how others can view it as "dinner party flexing" and mostly, I agree. That's why the details I don't share outside of the family unless specifically asked. Inside the family, I beat them over the head with it, because I think it's important.

[Slimpee]

Originally Posted by brandrea

We have a recorded family history that dates back to the 1600’s in Switzerland, but I don’t know much more beyond that.

In that case, you should be getting that panda Daytona any day now!

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Slimpee

In that case, you should be getting that panda Daytona any day now!

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[Dan Pierce]

I don't consider family history flexing. Each has it's share of heroes & scoundrels. Learning their stories of triumph & failure can be a important lesson, especially when it comes from your own family.
dP

[MrGoat]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I don't consider family history flexing. Each has it's share of heroes & scoundrels. Learning their stories of triumph & failure can be a important lesson, especially when it comes from your own family.
dP

Dan, you always make my point way more eloquently and succinct than I could!!


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[Speedbird-1]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I don't consider family history flexing. Each has it's share of heroes & scoundrels. Learning their stories of triumph & failure can be a important lesson, especially when it comes from your own family.
dP

Hey Dan,
My ancient ancestors were amongst the raping and pillaging Viking hoards that rampaged across Britain.
Here's a photo' from a recent family wedding party.
No 'lessons' were, it seems, learned.

[Dan Pierce]

Originally Posted by MrGoat

Dan, you always make my point way more eloquently and succinct than I could!!


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Thanks, pal! It takes lots of editing to keep some of my posts from looking like War and Peace.

Originally Posted by Speedbird-1

Hey Dan,
My ancient ancestors were amongst the raping and pillaging Viking hoards that rampaged across Britain.
Here's a photo' from a recent family wedding party.
No 'lessons' were, it seems, learned.

dP

[KathleenL]

The thoughts I had when starting this thread were not so much just to learn one's ancestors' names, dates & places of birth, etc. (although I think that's also important), but to learn what they and their lives were like. My father's family is Italian. My grandfather came to the United States all by himself three months after he turned 17. He was the oldest of at least 8 children (that's all I've been able to document so far), but only one of his brothers came to the US for a brief visit and then returned to Italy. I do know that two of his brothers were Mafia and went to Argentina, where they eventually died.

Earlier this year I discovered the Portale Antenati -- Gli Archivi per la Ricerca Anagrafica (the Ancestors Portal -- The Archives for Personal Data Research) and was able to add literally hundreds of names to my extended family tree, going back to my 5x great-grandparents. (The Italian records only go back to 1806, but approximate birth years for people born in the 1700s can be gleaned from info in the records from 1806 forward.)

Yes, it's heartbreaking to see how many children were born and died when they were anywhere from days to a few years old. And there are mysteries and surprising revelations, too. I discovered (on my grandmother's maternal side), that my 3x great-grandmother was only 13 when she got married! I thought that it must have been because she was pregnant, but after looking at every birth record from the year of her marriage until my great-great-grandmother was born three years later (when 3x g-grandmother was 16), I know that my great-great-grandmother was her first born. And exactly one week after my great-great-grandmother was born, my 3x great-grandmother died! And my great-grandmother was blinded when she was about three years old (I do not know the circumstances), and she was eventually placed in a convent so the nuns could teach her "necessary life skills." She learned to play the piano, as well as how to knit, crochet, and sew. She, her parents, and six of her seven siblings all came to the United States and stayed here.

My mother's side is mostly Irish, with a few from England and at least one from Germany. I know the great potato famine was the impetus for leaving Ireland, but I have absolutely no knowledge of what their lives were like in Ireland.

But, as I said before, my father was career Army and I didn't grow up living near our relatives. No big family holiday meals where relatives would tell stories about other relatives, etc., and you could pick up bits of information even when not paying full attention to the grownups. I regret that so very much.

[Rbdport]

I too am the child of a career military man, lived all over the world during daddy’s service. I know of my extended family but I don’t know them. I have never lived in the same state as family and spent much of my life on different continents from family. I moved 20 times with my parents before I married my husband at 21. My husband and I have moved 11 times in our 38 years of marriage. My mother moved in with us this summer. She has been telling tales of her youth with her grandparents and cousins. I’m fascinated because it’s a world I never knew of and have no relationship to.

[2ltdjorn]

good thoughts.